Blame is a game no one wins (why we need no fault divorce)
Blame is the game nobody wins-ever. Learning to blame is part of our cognitive development. We begin by learning to lie. Some two year olds do it, and most 5 to 7 year olds. It is the recognition of the separateness of ‘you’ and ‘me’.
Coupled with this, is our parents teaching us the difference between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and taking more responsibility for ourselves (from putting our toys away, to looking after the school hamster and feeding the fish), we learn to take responsibility for ourselves…
It’s not me…. It’s you
What is all this got to do with divorce? Well quite a lot. You see, as we begin to learn difference between right and wrong, and that somethings, such as our behaviour and our words are our responsibility, we also learn the consequences of not getting it ‘right’. We may be punished verbally physically or emotionally which causes us as children to seek to minimise our responsibility in situations where we feel that we will lose comfort and security. This pattern of behaviour continues into our adult life when we seek to push responsibility for our actions on to others in the form of blame.
You cant say “it’s not you,it’s me”
When it comes to relationships, sometimes blame is justified. If you are experiencing domestic abuse, remember that this should never be justified whether its physical, emotional, or financial. You can seek support whether you are a man or a woman at refuge.
Happy relationships don’t end. Fact. Relationships end because something isn’t working. Sometimes there is adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Sometimes, you just grow apart. The thing is, the law as it currently stands, doesn’t recognise this. If you want to get divorced within two years of separation, you must allege your spouse’s adultery or unreasonable behaviour. You can’t say, “it’s not you…. It’s me!” Crazy right? What good does blame do? Now could you write a list of your spouses ‘faults’? I’m sure you could, and if you’re a woman writing about your husband, you could probably fill a whole notebook and some ;). But again, what good does blame do?
What good does blame do?
What damage does blame do?
- Increases conflict
- Lowers self-esteem in both parties
- Negatively impacts children
- Increases legal bills
- Can cause loneliness and isolation as friends and family feel they have to take sides
- Prolongs the divorce process
I did mention didn’t I, that blame is the game nobody wins? That’s why we are supporting Resolution in their campaign for no fault divorce, because there is #abetterway. Today, 30 November 2016, and going forward, let’s do what we can to support change in the law which will support separating and divorcing couples and their children to move forward with their lives in the healthy way.